I feel like as girls we are held to this awful Catch-22. We cannot complain about how we feel about ourselves. If I ever say, "God damn it all I feel huge. I am so fat." We will get a million eye rolls, pats on the leg, looks of sympathy, and large choruses of "Oh no, you're gorgeous!" or "Oh no, shut the hell up!" However, for those of us who are not exactly skinny, we are not allowed to act like we are small. We are expected to cover ourselves up, to not expect attention from the male gender, that we are somehow, not worthy. Big girls are tortured by the idea of always being the "fat friend" that the wingman goes after. We are constantly aware that we should not wear sleeveless shirts or too short shorts, for the minute we leave the room, the talk will start. "Damn, has she gotten big." "Wow, I would never let myself go like that." Even the pity hurts, "You know, she carries her weight really well..."
Have you ever noticed that your bigger friends are often (though not always, of course) funny? They hide behind a veil of humor to hide how much it really hurts. To hide the fact that no matter all their efforts, it feel futile. They will always be unwanted physically. The reason to keep girls like us around is because we are funny. Or abnormally caring and self sacrificing. (I certainly don't take that route - I'm much too cynical to provide any sort of maternal care towards my friends. I stick with trying my very best to be funny.) It sucks. Truly it does.
I often wonder what it would be like to not be so self loathing. What it would be like to not have love handles, to be able to not special order bras, to be able to wear shorts without worrying about your cellulite jiggling everywhere. I feel like my life would be so go damn easy. If I had just been athletic. If my boobs hadn't grown to such epic proportions that it hurts to run. I don't know. I just don't know. Often times skinny or athletic people blame us fat girls entirely for our own plight. That we just overeat and sit on our asses. It might be easier if that were the truth. But when I see skinny chicks never going to the gym and downing a big mac and large coke I lose faith. Whatever.
Anyway, maybe nobody sees me this way. Maybe I just hugely overreact and have an extremely distorted self image. But I honestly don't think that's so. It makes me want to punch people when they are small and cute who say they "love my body." Listen, big boobs suck. These love handles suck. Cellulite sucks. This flat ass sucks. My body sucks. I wish so hard that I could come to terms with the body I have, but I have been struggling with it for almost ten years now, and I don't see it getting any better.


I wish I wasn't so dependent on others for my self worth.