BITCHBITCHBITCH

I don't know who reads this. I had one corny post about why I love being an anthropology major, but that's it. I think I need this. A release perhaps? I like this better than my journal, because I feel like if someone cared enough, they would read what I had to say.

So I've been re-reading the Twilight series. They're absolutely terrible books, but I enjoy a good mindless read once in awhile. Anyway, they make me super lonely. I try to put on a front of "Oh, I don't care. I don't need a guy anyway." But really, I am so lonely. I feel like every time I even open myself up the slightest bit, there's simply no point. Either we were drunk, so it doesn't matter, or they they already have someone else, or any number of reasons for me to always, always be "just friends."

I hate how in the media and movies and books it's always the boys who seemed to get scorned my malicious girls who have only the worst intentions. Or it's about a girl who is just so utterly gorgeous and someone eventually falls in love with her, and she has to decide between two guys. Or something along those lines. It's all bullshit if you ask me. There's no romance and no chivalry, everything is really just an act. Sometimes, I'll pretend that it's not, and those are the times I end up realizing how much better it is to just be a cynic.

I used to always blame myself. I'm too fat, too tall, too ugly. Or it's my personality, I'm too loud, too self awkward, or just plain annoying. Most of the time, I still do find that the blame falls on me. But other times, I realize that as much as I love the guys in my life, they're all the same. I have yet to be proven wrong. No one, not even my dearest friends have ever demonstrated to me that guys can save someone. A guy has never saved me, I've always had to pull my own sorry ass up with the help of my girlfriends, who have also sat around and watched as the same act happens again and again and again.

My friend Chris said it best, "College guys just like to get drunk and fuck things." It's so completely and utterly true. It's almost funny how often I have seen this play out in my life. It's Tiny Vessels, again and again.

It would be so nice, so, so nice to be proven wrong. That's why I have the song "Not the Sun" pretty much on repeat. "Tell me you know what I mean. (Prove me wrong.)" It hasn't happened yet, and I am so tired of waiting. I don't want to hide again, but I think I have to. I am going to try to learn to still feel while feeling nothing at all.

I'm going to try to make this one of my few whiny and bitchy posts. I like to laugh and being fun is the best. However, I am way cynical and sarcastic. So if you don't like it, then you can just eat it, bitch!