Oh my, it has been awhile. So long, summer. It's been real. You truly are a trixy little minx though. You tempt me through the spring, and suddenly you're here! It's wonderful and beautiful. I feel like I have been reunited with an old friend when you suddenly arrive. We spend a few short weeks together, and all of a sudden you're packing your bags, heading for the southern hemisphere. Really, summer? You're going to play me like this? AGAIN?
Ah well, all good things must come to an end I suppose. And now I get to start this school year with money, a little tan (plus freckles!), and a peaceful mind. I know I'll be absolutely crazy in about two and a half weeks, but right now, I'm looking forward to school. I can't wait to move into my apartment. I'm pumped for classes. I'm even excited about band. (Wait, did I just say that?) But most of all, I'm looking forward to seeing my friends. I just love them so much. And with these kids, I can really say that I feel like they love me too. I walked into the band room yesterday as everyone was finishing up with uniforms (Sorry again that I couldn't come help out guys! I'll be super involved during the year, I promise.) and everyone just yelled "BETH!" and I got hugs and smiles and oh it just made me feel so much better. By the end of the school year I was SO DONE with everyone and everything. But a summer with the family (both immediate and from high school) has rejuvenated me.
I'm ready guys. This semester is going to kick my ass. But I'm going to kick it's ass worse. WATCH ME NOW!

I feel like as girls we are held to this awful Catch-22. We cannot complain about how we feel about ourselves. If I ever say, "God damn it all I feel huge. I am so fat." We will get a million eye rolls, pats on the leg, looks of sympathy, and large choruses of "Oh no, you're gorgeous!" or "Oh no, shut the hell up!" However, for those of us who are not exactly skinny, we are not allowed to act like we are small. We are expected to cover ourselves up, to not expect attention from the male gender, that we are somehow, not worthy. Big girls are tortured by the idea of always being the "fat friend" that the wingman goes after. We are constantly aware that we should not wear sleeveless shirts or too short shorts, for the minute we leave the room, the talk will start. "Damn, has she gotten big." "Wow, I would never let myself go like that." Even the pity hurts, "You know, she carries her weight really well..."
Have you ever noticed that your bigger friends are often (though not always, of course) funny? They hide behind a veil of humor to hide how much it really hurts. To hide the fact that no matter all their efforts, it feel futile. They will always be unwanted physically. The reason to keep girls like us around is because we are funny. Or abnormally caring and self sacrificing. (I certainly don't take that route - I'm much too cynical to provide any sort of maternal care towards my friends. I stick with trying my very best to be funny.) It sucks. Truly it does.
I often wonder what it would be like to not be so self loathing. What it would be like to not have love handles, to be able to not special order bras, to be able to wear shorts without worrying about your cellulite jiggling everywhere. I feel like my life would be so go damn easy. If I had just been athletic. If my boobs hadn't grown to such epic proportions that it hurts to run. I don't know. I just don't know. Often times skinny or athletic people blame us fat girls entirely for our own plight. That we just overeat and sit on our asses. It might be easier if that were the truth. But when I see skinny chicks never going to the gym and downing a big mac and large coke I lose faith. Whatever.
Anyway, maybe nobody sees me this way. Maybe I just hugely overreact and have an extremely distorted self image. But I honestly don't think that's so. It makes me want to punch people when they are small and cute who say they "love my body." Listen, big boobs suck. These love handles suck. Cellulite sucks. This flat ass sucks. My body sucks. I wish so hard that I could come to terms with the body I have, but I have been struggling with it for almost ten years now, and I don't see it getting any better.


I wish I wasn't so dependent on others for my self worth.

I haven't felt like this since last Fall. I hate that I can feel this way again. I feel worthless. Meaningless. I don't mean anything to anyone except as a funny girl to laugh at. I follow my dream and get kicked in the ass because of it. I'm so tired of being told again and again that I'm not good enough.

We were never needed in the Sisterhood. And boy, has it been proven to me today. I would like nothing more than to just leave for a little while. It really bothers me that the cons of being in TBS have far outweighed the pros. Once again, I am thinking my life would be better if I had never pledged. I hope this will pass, but seriously. I won't get any positions next year with no experience, especially after going abroad. I feel like the sisters are punishing me for going away. Haven't you punished us enough? Does it make you feel good to break me again and again?

I just keep learning that it's better to be cynical and apathetic. Then I won't get hurt. I'm so passionate about what I do and I always, ALWAYS end up getting hurt. What's the point anymore? I have yet to be proven wrong. And it's not just that I didn't get the position I wanted. It's that on top of everything else. I know this sounds shitty and immature, but I haven't had a guy like me since I was sixteen years old. I have gained weight this semester. I'm not in any honor societies. I don't have an internship. I'm not doing anything with my life. Just wasting away in a worthless major trying to make people like me by being ridiculous.

Please, help me. I can't fall into this hole again. I've been okay for the past few months and now it's all gone to shit.

I'm deleting my quotes on facebook, but I wanted to preserve them here!
"Want to play extreme homo tennis for Wii?"
"FUCK YEAH!"

"Are you gonna rape me then kill me? Is that what you said?"
"Is that a dare?!"

"After this black and mild wanna go do a jagerbomb with me?"

"Can you make me a strawberry shake?"-Franklin
"How about a vanilla shake?"-Klem, accompanied with a full body shake.

"Sit the fuck down or I'm going to break your face."

Q:"If you could be any candy, what would you be?"
A:"A Reeses Cup. Cause there's no wrong way to eat a Reeses!"

Liz: Franklin, what opera where you in again?
Franklin: Dido and aeneas and riders to the sea
Merl: You were in an opera about dildos? Gay.
Franklin: Yeah I thought it was weird that the main character happened to be your mom. Apparently she has a weird obsession with dildos and anuses.


Liz14bth (11:40:30 PM): I may have told you this story but in 2nd grade reed hollinger wanted to marry me and chased me around every day to get the fake princess jasmine jewel off of my backpack and one time made me cry cause he asked me to rollerblade with him in front of my dad. the end.

Franklin, via text: I'll be there in like an hour
Merl, in response: You should probably try some lotion if it takes you that long to jerk it.

I just watched The Boondock Saints. It is SUCH a good movie. I'm sorry I haven't seen it until now. All of my favorite movies are all really violent. That's bad, right? Seriously, let's have a look:
-Boondock Saints
-Kill Bill 1 & 2
-The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
-The Star Wars Saga
-Pulp Fiction
-Reservoir Dogs
-X-Men

I'm such a dude.

There's nothing like watching Moulin Rouge to make me feel super lonely. EMOTASTIC!

I am so happy, and I don't even know why. I love it. I wake up smiling, and go to bed giggling. Even when I'm super stressed with school and the like, I'm still happy. I can't even explain it. Is this what I have been missing for so long?